Monday, January 12, 2015

I Could Have A Baby But She Could Not..

The story I am about to tell you is not from me but from some random person whom I actually do not even know. But what she wrote touched my heart & made me want to share what she had written.. It will truly makes you think of others feelings besides yours alone! It truly brought tears to my eyes while I read this.. So without further adue here it goes:

My husband & I met & married pretty quickly. Our first date was January 3rd & we were married by December 12th. I guess it was no surprise when we found out we were pregnant that March following our wedding; we liked to work quick!

We were making plans to attend our wonderful cousin's wedding in Northern California & decided we should make a little romantic weekend out of it & spend a few days in Wine Country as well. We were completely surprised when I woke up the day before our trip to a positive + sign on a little white stick but oh so excited!

I think I was especially excited because it is what I had dreamed of since a little girl! Meeting & marrying prince charming. Having a cute little baby with him & becoming the dearest of words: "Mommy." Our excitement overflowed & so did the planning. I am pretty sure Babies R Us saw me weekly if not more.. Multiple baby showers in the various states I had lived in were planned. A nursery was designed & set up. Name books were underlined & highlighted. It was all I could talk about & think about. I breathed baby all day.

When I was 28 weeks pregnant we visited one of those 3D Ultrasound picture studios.  With my bare belly sticking up, friends & family on Skype, thanks to state of the art technology we were able to see our little boy's chubby cheeks & tiny fist floating through his watery home in my womb. Yes I cried.. It was such a beautiful experience!

The next morning, as soon as I hit my office chair, I emailed out to all my coworkers, friends & family the ultrasound pictures of our beautiful baby boy. Immediately emails & text came rolling back in saying how cute he was & how they couldn't wait to meet him! My cup was overflowing.

But what I didn't know was there was a women I had made cry. I didn't know she had been trying for 4 years to get pregnant. I didn't know she had multiple in vitro fertilization attempts that didn't work. I didn't know she had 6 miscarriages that she had grieved through in the past few years. I didn't know  that my baby pictures I rejoiced over & emailed to her just broke her heart because I could have a baby but she could not.

Days later I was told of her sad news through a friend. I was asked, per her request, not to mention my pregnancy & baby around her nor to send out any more pictures. Even though I was her almost daily. I am ashamed to say I got angry. Here I was  in the happiest time of my life & I needed to be quiet. I needed to hold my joy. I felt cheated, cheated out of the joy of my pregnancy.

But what I didn't realize at the time was she felt the same way. She felt cheated out of the joy of being pregnant. She felt robbed of the chance to have a life growing in her womb & being called "mommy" she was heartbroken. What made it worse is the fact that I added to her grief.

Years later, I am now pregnant with baby #3. I have been blessed to have no complications or real issues with any of my pregnancies. Yet I feel overwhelmed most days to have 2 toddlers & a newborn on the way. I get frustrated when  I can't get into the shower because my daughter won't let me put her down. I get frazzled when I can't make a meal because my son is screaming every time I walk into the kitchen because he wants to do a puzzle NOW. I get emotional because I still never get to sleep through the night. Yet I know that same women whose heart I broke  would ache for these moments. She would give anything to feel this wanted or needed as a mother. She would happily embrace all the child issues I take for granted.

You see what  I've come to understand is that infertility is mostly a silent grief. Just as I had, there are women who have dreamed since they were little girls about having a baby... & then they come to the shocking truth their "happily ever after" may never come. Many people don't discuss their attempts to get pregnant or their inability to conceive. Instead they keep trying over & over, month after month, quietly  in sorrow for what they might never have.

I will never know what those who deal with infertility face. Until we reach eternity, we may never know why someone who wants such a precious gift will never be able to have it. But what I can say to my friend whose heart I broke & shattered along with the other women & couples who have bravely faced infertility for is this:

You are courageous. You are full of hope & strong. Your heart is filled with a compassion & desire I will never experience to the same extent. However, I pray I will learn from your gifts of patience & trust. I am sorry for not being sensitive to your needs. I am sorry for all the times I have whined & complained about my child's sleep issues or toddler problems instead of recognizing each & every moment as a gift from GOD. I am sorry if all my stories of motherhood & baby life have come across as painful jabs to your heartfelt desires. I am sorry for not understanding your pain & grieving with you instead of jealously wanting my joys to be more important that your sorrows. I am sorry for not holding your hand, praying with you, hugging your neck, & telling you that you don't have to be silent in your struggle. You are not alone. I will promise to learn from your brave heart to hope & trust & keep on believing in GOD even though you don't understand his ways. I promise I won;t take for granted the gift of my children as I learn from you each & every day what a blessing they are. 

That friend that I had hurt with my ultrasound photos despite my foolish heart & frustrations against her, the day she met my infant son for the first time, she swept him up in her arms, held him close, began to speak & sing soft words of endearment to him. I can tell you it was one of the most beautiful moments I had ever seen. For a women so filled with pain, to show my son so much affection, made me repent of my hurtful spirit & hope somehow my son brought  her joy.. if even for that moment!

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1 comment:

Katie Elizabeth said...

I've seen this floating around on Facebook and it's a tear jerker for sure! Thank you for sharing :)